Do you know how does it feel like to be of a certain age,but not really feeling that you're that age? As I was praying for wisdom these few days, the implications of my age came to me as I was taking a shower. The thought, "Leo, you're 26" came and though I tried brushing it off by claiming that I'll be 26 only on December, it came again. "Leo, you're 26". Wow. I suddenly felt my age.
And with age, comes responsibility and maturity. And at times, I don't have both. I am a rash person who tends to do things at a spur of the moment and perhaps regret later. Nowadays, it's much more controlled, though at times, I still play a fool to my emotions.
And yes, emotions. As someone mentioned, it's ok to have emotions, to feel weak and down. Even upset. But don't let it affect the people around you. I guess, though nowadays I don't go around breaking things or hitting others as I used to back in secondary school, or even storming off a few years back, I still do affect others by claming up and just keeping quiet. And it does destabilizes the atmosphere.
And reflecting back, I remembered one of my youth leaders back then married at 24 (and he was a guy lar), and here I am. Still emotionally wrecked, still harboured in MMU, still wondering if I'm good enough to get through to others. And thoughts came to my head. Life shouldn't be like this! I shouldn't be some whiny guy at my moments of self doubt. But no, it should be much more different.
I was reading a book, while in search of a discussion topic for our CrossRoadz tomorrow. And as I looked at the topics of discussion in the book, the topics inferiority, loneliness and depression caught my interest.
Reading through, I discovered that I'm no chronic depressed person, but a person with inferiority complex. Going through the symptoms and even the reactions and feelings of an inferior person, I matched it quite closely. And no, I wasn't reading on Sigmund Freud or Carl Jung, but a book for counselors and youth workers.
It's so easy to stay depressed while inferiority eats you up from the inside. And it doesn't help when you don't have a good past to look back to. And what more, it breaks when the people around you don't rally to you and tell you that they accept you despite your circumstances or weaknesses. After all, after getting hurt so much, it's easier to build a psychic wall of defence than to plow it through.
But again I'm writing this, times have changed. Annette's words rang through and through again. Words that said, 'Leo, I believe you're amongst a group of people who genuinely care and love you for who you are. After all these years, there is finally a bunch who cares for you. But you gotta learn to make yourself more likeable. Don't be extreme and talk too much at a point,and clamming up at another'
No, my past is dead. After all, God said that we're a new creation. And we need to affirm that with the renewal of our minds. Gone are the times people said, 'you don't belong here..' Those were idiots who didn't know how much damage they done.
Watching the film, 'What's eating Gilbert Grape' last night, I found a guy facing tremendously hard situations. He had a mentally affected brother and many other circumstances that would make us all break sometime or another. And pondering, I find I'm not too bad. Life doesn't give me such a cruel stroke of fate that I had to endure. I just need to know I'm not inferior.
And yea, it's all those inferiority that causes me to try harder with people. After all, I never believed I'm good enough for others. Never good enough with people skills. What a lie. Were the 12 disciples extremely popular people? Was Gideon a person everyone looked up to from the start? What happened to Joseph when he was sold off and then thrown into prison? And did they all go around thinking that they weren't good enough?
God calls, and God equips. I've currently a ministry to run and well, I believe God has given me the gifts and talents nescessary with it. Even when it comes to people. Most of all, I've learnt that when you strive to gain the friendship and approval of someone, it does not work. The intensity might even scare others away. But let God take control. Pray and have faith that God's leading you and me in all matters of our lives
I am good enough!
Amen!
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