It ain't too bad after all

'Jump'

I was back at my apartments not too long ago, when all I felt like doing was to jump. Nope, not up and down, but the impulse to jump out of the window and perhaps see the world pass me by in a flash of an eye.
'Jump'

But yet, I can't seem to do it. I'm driven by another force as well. I want to do what God wants me to do. But yet...at times my despair overwhelms me.

Just last night, at Alvin's Christmas party, I felt, 'Bang', and let it all go. 'Bang', and see the sparks fly. 'Bang', and who cares anyway? After all, I'm just a boring guy out there. But yet.. I can't. What a waste of life it would be too.

Looking back, I guess I looked stupid. Haha, perhaps even dumb. I guess at times, I live for people's approval instead of God's. I base too much of my mood on what people think of me, and when someone says,'Oh no, it's Leo', I just go down the drain. Even though they are a minority. And perhaps, even cruel.

I guess, it's time to break free of the past. There was a time where everything I did wasn't enough for those people back in my old church. I wasn't good enough for them, that's what I was told. And everything I did was found fault with. Even fetching people back. *sigh*.

I use to believe them, that I wasn't good enough. That I needed to do more and even more for approval. After all, that's what they tell me. But now, I feel it's more of a cruel thing that they did. What's the point of having friends that tell you that you aren't good enough?

Sitting down for a chat with Alvin (which became a long one), well, I came to realise my past probably ain't too bad after all. Though not popular in Secondary school and my previous church, I was respected by my peers in my club handling and I also had a close group of friends to hang out with. And the kids (who are now 15-19) in my old church, probably looked up to me.

And why this post? I guess, its to tell myself, 'I don't need to try anymore' After all, I can't please everyone and well, there are people that care.

God, help me get the past behind my back and start living for the future~!

Amen