Recent events has got me planning for the long term future. Bumping into a childhood friend, who was holding her 11 month old baby, made me realise, 'Hey, I'm not that young anymore, can't waste too much time on unnescessary things' And it's true, while games and the telly might bring about some satisfaction, too much isn't productive and after all, what do we achieve from finishing a game or reaching the season's finale? And well, while I wouldn't completely switch off the TV, it has become more of a stress buster.
Among the things I was considering was whether to work on contract basis as a technician/tech support/sales support for these 4-5 months to gain working experience (have a few job offers here and therela) But reevaluating, I don't need the cash, and will it really help in the long term future? I've got some plans I want to put in place and it might actually serve me better by preparing these few months and looking at things at all possible angles.
God tells us that without a vision, we perish, and I believe it's applicable to our everyday life as well. Our vision/goal doesn't nescessary have to hinge on whether God tells us then only we do. In that sense I mean, perhaps God gave us some plans in 10-20 years time, but what do we do in the mean time? Do we sit and let life pass us by? Or do we try to be at our productive best?
And no, I'm not advocating just doing anything that suits our whims and fancy, but sometimes we're taught to have this 'Christian' mentality that God'll take care of everything, so we don't have to plan for much. But this sometimes causes us to be irresponsible to our lives. 'God'll provide' is what they say, but when you don't bother about how you run your life, how will God provide? Will food, water and money just drop from the sky? (heh, some ppl think God'll provide someone if they just sit around at home everyday, hmm, wishful thinking. At least they need to quit laming and run their lives, right? blah~) Most likely not, unless God assures you so (like you're running an orphanage or doing ministry and really lacking in funds)
In all our plannings, we need to bring it to the Lord and pray for wisdom. If God tells you it's wrong, then by all means, stop. It's always good to plan, but God might have some other plan for us. Trust in the Lord and not lean on our own understanding, is what the bible says, and perhaps in this context it's right (hmm, do correct me if I'm wrong)
What scares me is standing at the throne of grace and having God asking me about my talents, whether have I used my time, talents and gifts wisely and efficiently, or have I just wasted them all away on unnescessary things? Though I'm not obsessed with money, it's never wrong to work hard and being successful as long as you're willing to let it all go when then time comes. Isn't it a much better solution than just living a life of mediocrity?
Well, guess that's my thoughts for this week. How can we make our lives more effective, as Christians in the world? Feedback's much appreciated :)
God Bless~!
Monday, May 30, 2005
Friday, May 27, 2005
The Liverpool Champion's League Final Drama
Amazing.
It was a night (or a morn if you considered 2:30am as morning) I cannot forget. Altogether it was a tale of expectation, but yet having our hearts ripped out by the brilliant display of Milan as opposed to our own ineptness. But yet, sometimes funny things do happen, and on Wednesday night, it truly did.
The night started young, as Jeff and the rest got there early. I arrived around 11 pm, early if you considered the game would not start til 2:45am at least. There weren't too many people just yet too, but as you know, Malaysians usually turn out last minute (and irritatingly so, hmmph!)
The Liverpool FC fan club stood just a few tables away. It was the 1st time I've seen them, those official Liverpool supporters, as opposed to me who supports both Liverpool and Tottenham (and am not official either). Wonder what they'll call me, a Tottenpool supporter? Or even worse, a Liverham!? *gasp!* Hahaha..
The night started off nicely for us though, as Jeff and I went up for the live commentating competition. Ha! I suffered a stage fright and mumbled stuffs like,'Erm, what's happening?' and 'Errr...(pretty long pause) Errr...' Basically, I had words in my head, but my mouth just didn't feel like cooperating then, hehe. Guess it's also kinda hard to go next after Jeff (who won the grand prize of a Nokia 7270), and well, my bladder was kinda full and itching to go. Any exertions of 'GOAALLLLL!!' would not only have brought cheers from the crowd, but perhaps some additional liquid from my crotch area too. Wonder what reaction the crowd would give then, hmm.
Anyways, enough of keeping you away from the game.
As the game started, we had a beautiful symphony of horns screaming and blaring in the background. Mine unfortunately, sounded more like a duck's quack than those well worn war horns, sending Jo and Mich into their rapturous giggles. Heh, at least it was free.
The 1st goal came as a bolt out of the blue. We sat stunned into silence as Maldini put Milan ahead at only 58 seconds on the clock. And there, we had those pesky Milan supporters, who came to spoil our party, taunting us. And yes, the horns were dead.
We looked for hope as the match wore on. Initially, Liverpool gave a fightback (as they usually do) with 2 quick attempts on goal, but the more we pushed, the more vulnerable we looked behind. Traore was being turned again and again by Shevchenko, exploited his lack of vision, bringing angry 4 letter curses from the crowd. And as the game wore on, we could see dat Liverpool was threading a dangerous line.
And on the 39th minute came the 2nd goal. We had been threading too thin for too long and were being punished. Two nil to other teams might be a challenge, but being two goals down to Milan was like climbing Everest, just add molten lava coming down too. As I took a walk to the loo for a change in sight, we suddenly conceeded the 3rd! My goodness! Somehow, in the back recesses of my mind, I wondered if me leaving the table then might have influenced the outcome then. Call it karma (though we Christians don't exactly believe in dat, rite? heheh)
We sat sullenly at the table during the half time break with those Milan fans in a particularly good mood at our 'bashing'. Was there hope? Thinking back, I wondered if some of those Milan supporters were actually Arsenal, Man U or Chelski fans in disguise. You'll never know what jealousy can make a football fan do.
Amazingly, there were people placing bets dat Liverpool would win then. Those lucky buggers. Each bet gave you an odds of a hundred times over! But perhaps, at halftime there was nothing else to lose except pride, and those buggers were proud of Liverpool, even when we were 3 nil down.
The second half started strongly enough. Hamann came on for Finnan, and voila, we had our confidence back on, and it reflected on the pitch. The erratic Liverpool dat punted ineffective long balls into the opposition half (mostly Traore's fault) was replaced by one that played with confidence and controlled possesion. Suddenly, it was Milan dat was chasing the game and the ball.
Our goal came soon enough. Expected or unexpected, it didn't matter. It was a fightback and we screamed our lungs out in ecstacy. 'Come on, two more!' were the cries of the crowd as the horns started blaring again.
And then came the 2nd! We stood on our feet as we sang 'You'll never walk alone' after all the hugs and screams. Liverpool had given us hope, but would Liverpool deliver? Many of us waited with held breaths.
The equalizer finally came in the 61st minute. Even before the penalty was taken, we were high fiving each other. The crowd roared ecstatically, not knowing dat the ball had to still go in before we were considered having equalised. I closed my eyes and ears, worried to be dissapointed. Surely it had to go in, and surely it....it did! I casted a glance at those Milan fans who could only give me a sheepish look. 3 goals down at halftime and Liverpool had made an amazing fightback! Can our wait be over?
I would not go into detail about minute by minute after that, if you're interested, go check out the official Liverpool site or Soccernet.com.
We plodded, fought and hoped. Some prayed to their Gods as the match wore on. Liverpool looked tired from their exertions. Could we fall to some cruel fate after fighting back from 3 nil down? I found dat thought hard to swallow, but it might just had happen if otherwise.
The end of normal time was signalled. We've survived, but how much more? I refused to hope for hoping would mean dissapointment if we blew it. But as usual, Jeff was in his optimistic mood. 'We'll win it!' he said. One of the guys at the table had bet to strip down to his underwear if we won it at normal time. Boy, he must have been a really relieved person though, heheh.
Back at half time, I would have given anything (well, erm, not actually, haha) to see Liverpool at least lose respectably instead of a 5 nil hammering, and now..we were on the verge of greatness, of a tale we can tell our grandchildren as scouses. I hoped beyond hope.
The extra time was a bit or a nerve wrecker as Serginho kept surging down Milan's left wing. Anytime his crosses make it through Gerrard and we're goners. Carragher and a few others had cramps too. Can we make it to the penalties? You'll never walk alone was heard in the background as the latecomers (and hence, standing fans) locked arms and sang (well, hehe, perhaps not everyone though)
And then came the penalties, or better known as the lottery tickets. I kept a cup nearby just in case anyone needed it, due to accidentally pissing out of the match tension. Dudek went on to make a clown out of himself, but in the process, unnerved those Milan players and became a Liverpool legend. 1 nil Liverpool, 2 nil Liverpool! All due to Dudek's brilliance. We were on the edge of our seats now. Some were already celebrating, dancing around with their shirts off as some sort of helicopter propeller, showing their huge swarths of armpit hair, not knowing that we still could lose. But yet, thinking back, wouldn't it look even funnier if all they had were bald armpits like what you can see in the olympics, no?
It became 2-1 and stayed 2-1. Riise's shot was saved. Could it be the beautiful journey's over? Kaka took the next and blasted it in, 2-2! Smicer followed suit, 3-2! And then came Shevchenko. The blond was the European player of the year (and what you know, they call the ladies, dumb blondes. Wonder if it applies to the guys as well, heh) and he was next. Miss and we would win. Could we?
I did not see the save the 1st time around as I had my head buried in my hands. But when screams of ecstacy was heard (and more so since Mich had an absolute blaster of a voice), I knew we've won it! The Holy Grail of club football. Nevermind Arsenal or Chelski for all their dominance, they've not won it yet. And Man U? Heh, dat was ages ago. We're the champions now and rightfully so. Hopefully we don't have any of those Arsenal, Man U or Chelski fans converting soon, heheh..
And as the giant screen showed the Liverpool players running out of the pits to hug our heroes, some of us just stood there in silence, stunned and still disbelieving what we've seen. Others took of their shirts off and danced around, fatty tissue not an issue here. Everyone was exhilirated, no point being shy here. Oh ya, as for us, we went around hugging each other with bear hugs dat could crush pesky kittens and high fives with the intensity of those when you want to crush birthday cakes on birthday boys. And soon we all began singing the Liverpool anthem 'You'll never walk alone', over and over again.
Thinking back, unlike half time where I fought so hard to keep my tears in, this time I tried to cry, but it just did not come out. Perhaps I was too happy to cry. When will we win it again? I dunno, but for now, we are the champions and we shall celebrate! Heck, even my non Liverpool friends were so amazed by the match. Amazing. Do I have to explain why again? :p
p/s: photos to be up tomorrow! Check back then!
update (29/5/05) : Check out this Liverpool fan's prank! Hehe, good one dat
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
The Controversial post
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2
I've been downloading movies through bittorrent in the last few months. Not just movies, but other stuff like music, books and even language books. Of all these, it bothers my conscience when the first few of my movies had elements of sex and nudity in it.'It's nothing', I tell myself. After all, I wasn't some sex obssessed maniac who scoured the internet in the wee hours of the morning looking for some *ehem* porn (ha! surprised?) Heck, I don't even own a single portion of porn myself.
But you see, I've burned most of those movies on cd-rs, without even checking for their contents. And that makes it harder to throw them away. After all, why waste a perfectly good movie? And, trying to justify myself, I reasoned that most good movies have these elements in play nowadays, compared to movies of yesteryear. Heck, I didn't know that Dark City, Love Actually or Highlander 3 had all these. They're not movies with smut written all over the cover, not at the first glance anyway. And thus, what's wrong?
What's wrong? At times, I do feel I'm losing God, straying away and turning from salt into something obscure, not worth even for seasoning after watching these movies. After all, Hollywood has never been kind to the Christian cause. Have I lost my holiness in place of some good movies? And didn't God create sex to be something intimate between a husband and wife?
The worst thing is, I find myself changed after watching these movies. Women become objects instead of friends to play and joke around with. And I find, instead of being the crazy original me, I put on a mask.
It's amazing to find out the meaning of sin. Sin in it's original form means missing the mark, like an archer aiming for bullseye and missing it. And at times I wonder, am I the only person who feels this way about movies nowadays? Or do the majority out there actually says, 'It's okay, it's alright' Hmm, I wonder..
And yea, this brings me to the highly forbidden 'm' word. Ha! Pardon the pun, but it's an issue most Christian churches don't address, leaving their members to find out on their own, or worse, make wrong assumptions and all.
So, what about *ehem* masturbation? Is it right or wrong? Is it just a guy thing?
Well, for starters, there are 2 schools of thought going around the Christian circle for this. One says, it's alright to do it as long as you don't think and the other, well, takes it as a sin. For me, I believe it's wrong as it downgrades sex from marriage and makes orgasm just another thing, instead of something special in marriage (ha, I'm using a lot of uncomfortable words here) What's your take on this?
And no, it's a human thing, just that perhaps women don't struggle with it as much as men. I do believe most Christian women control their thought lives better than us men lah.
Hmm, that's it for now. Now, which movies should I start using as boomerangs or cup holders?
God bless!
p/s: I'm not sinless, never professed to be. Just some guy on his journey to find out more about being a better Christian
I've been downloading movies through bittorrent in the last few months. Not just movies, but other stuff like music, books and even language books. Of all these, it bothers my conscience when the first few of my movies had elements of sex and nudity in it.'It's nothing', I tell myself. After all, I wasn't some sex obssessed maniac who scoured the internet in the wee hours of the morning looking for some *ehem* porn (ha! surprised?) Heck, I don't even own a single portion of porn myself.
But you see, I've burned most of those movies on cd-rs, without even checking for their contents. And that makes it harder to throw them away. After all, why waste a perfectly good movie? And, trying to justify myself, I reasoned that most good movies have these elements in play nowadays, compared to movies of yesteryear. Heck, I didn't know that Dark City, Love Actually or Highlander 3 had all these. They're not movies with smut written all over the cover, not at the first glance anyway. And thus, what's wrong?
What's wrong? At times, I do feel I'm losing God, straying away and turning from salt into something obscure, not worth even for seasoning after watching these movies. After all, Hollywood has never been kind to the Christian cause. Have I lost my holiness in place of some good movies? And didn't God create sex to be something intimate between a husband and wife?
The worst thing is, I find myself changed after watching these movies. Women become objects instead of friends to play and joke around with. And I find, instead of being the crazy original me, I put on a mask.
It's amazing to find out the meaning of sin. Sin in it's original form means missing the mark, like an archer aiming for bullseye and missing it. And at times I wonder, am I the only person who feels this way about movies nowadays? Or do the majority out there actually says, 'It's okay, it's alright' Hmm, I wonder..
And yea, this brings me to the highly forbidden 'm' word. Ha! Pardon the pun, but it's an issue most Christian churches don't address, leaving their members to find out on their own, or worse, make wrong assumptions and all.
So, what about *ehem* masturbation? Is it right or wrong? Is it just a guy thing?
Well, for starters, there are 2 schools of thought going around the Christian circle for this. One says, it's alright to do it as long as you don't think and the other, well, takes it as a sin. For me, I believe it's wrong as it downgrades sex from marriage and makes orgasm just another thing, instead of something special in marriage (ha, I'm using a lot of uncomfortable words here) What's your take on this?
And no, it's a human thing, just that perhaps women don't struggle with it as much as men. I do believe most Christian women control their thought lives better than us men lah.
Hmm, that's it for now. Now, which movies should I start using as boomerangs or cup holders?
God bless!
p/s: I'm not sinless, never professed to be. Just some guy on his journey to find out more about being a better Christian
Monday, May 23, 2005
Champion's League Final
It's official, Liverpool's in the final of this year's Champion's League! Hah, beat dat Manchester United or Chelski fans! Anyone has some Liverpool banner or anything? Perhaps we can paint the town red when they win, heheheh..
Till the match, au revoir!
p/s: watching alone? Join us lah! Msg me for more info
Till the match, au revoir!
p/s: watching alone? Join us lah! Msg me for more info
Friday, May 20, 2005
Petaling Street
Petaling Street holds a fascination for me. Also known as Malaysia's Chinatown, it's been transformed from a place of cluttered stalls selling various items to a place where, well, under the tourism industry, been refurbished with translucent roofs and fixed stalls. It is there you can find your bargain of goods ranging from Rolexes (pronounced as Loleks by the peddlers), Aerosmith and U2 shirts and even rare DVDs.
Finding for good food? Around the corner of Petaling Street, there's also a stall that sells the famous ikan bakar in tin foil. It only opens in the evenings and the queue is long, so you've gotta be there early or late, depends actually. Went there with mom the other time, and I was literaly licking my plate clean. Heheh, so much for modesty. Guess I'll give it another go next week though. Any tapaus? Bleh.
My mom mentioned about some really good wantan mee too, somewhere around the area. Wantan mee is good, especially those well made ones, not those with lots of ajinomoto or with undercooked noodles. Tell me about it. Been suffering from bad wantan mee shops around Klang Valley. Didn't have a chance to try out Ipoh's Menglembu's Wantan mee fresh either. *Sigh*, I pity my stomach, hehe.
Plus, they've a pretty good char siew siew yoke kai fan shop on the street as well. (you know what's that do you?) Food is cheap, or rather reasonable for KL prices. Good thing is, they don't give you fatty siew yoke, which is really a bane to eat. Eat more and you'll grow fat. Plus the rubbery taste of fats is really yucky!
Walking there the other day, I noticed it has changed a lot since the days of form 6 where I used to take tuition classes there. The streets bustle with more people, more variety of items, and of course those pesky DVD sellers.
Ah, those aggresive DVD sellers. One asked me if I wanted some 'hamtai', or known otherwise as pornographic movies. Knowing me, I wouldn't give him much of a response though. And then came a tug on my shirt with him shouting louder, 'Lengchai, hamtai oi mou? Hou leng wor!' Perhaps my skin was not sensitive enough to feel his saliva droplets hitting me. He must also have figured I was deaf or some sort. And looking up, it was just some kid around 16-17 years old that looked a tad scared as I glared into his eyes for tugging my well worn Giordano shirt.
There was also a beggar with some sort of spinal deformity, sitting in the middle of the road, staring down at the gravel pavements. At times, I wonder how can you spend your life away in oblivion? Just looking or staring at something with the hope of getting just enough to survive. Pretty tough that one. I would rather work than hope to get money while wasting my life away. On the other hand, beggars in KL earn around rm 3000-6000 on an average. That's much higher that the starting pay of an executive! Should I beg...?
Oh yea, looking at the flower shop, it has a chinese name with a chinese boss, but with lots of indian workers. Must be because they're cheaper to hire. Wonder how they're to converse to the customers though. Perhaps they go, 'A thousand apologies maam, but you want some flowers?' Hehe, I'm no racist though.
Thus, that's it about Petaling Street. A road with lots to see, lots to hear and perhaps, lots to buy too. Oh yea, lots to eat too! It amazes me to see them work so hard for a meagre amount of money, but then, that's the difference in what education can bring to you. Time to graduate!
p/s: Need to get a watch. Perhaps one of those loleks? hehe
Finding for good food? Around the corner of Petaling Street, there's also a stall that sells the famous ikan bakar in tin foil. It only opens in the evenings and the queue is long, so you've gotta be there early or late, depends actually. Went there with mom the other time, and I was literaly licking my plate clean. Heheh, so much for modesty. Guess I'll give it another go next week though. Any tapaus? Bleh.
My mom mentioned about some really good wantan mee too, somewhere around the area. Wantan mee is good, especially those well made ones, not those with lots of ajinomoto or with undercooked noodles. Tell me about it. Been suffering from bad wantan mee shops around Klang Valley. Didn't have a chance to try out Ipoh's Menglembu's Wantan mee fresh either. *Sigh*, I pity my stomach, hehe.
Plus, they've a pretty good char siew siew yoke kai fan shop on the street as well. (you know what's that do you?) Food is cheap, or rather reasonable for KL prices. Good thing is, they don't give you fatty siew yoke, which is really a bane to eat. Eat more and you'll grow fat. Plus the rubbery taste of fats is really yucky!
Walking there the other day, I noticed it has changed a lot since the days of form 6 where I used to take tuition classes there. The streets bustle with more people, more variety of items, and of course those pesky DVD sellers.
Ah, those aggresive DVD sellers. One asked me if I wanted some 'hamtai', or known otherwise as pornographic movies. Knowing me, I wouldn't give him much of a response though. And then came a tug on my shirt with him shouting louder, 'Lengchai, hamtai oi mou? Hou leng wor!' Perhaps my skin was not sensitive enough to feel his saliva droplets hitting me. He must also have figured I was deaf or some sort. And looking up, it was just some kid around 16-17 years old that looked a tad scared as I glared into his eyes for tugging my well worn Giordano shirt.
There was also a beggar with some sort of spinal deformity, sitting in the middle of the road, staring down at the gravel pavements. At times, I wonder how can you spend your life away in oblivion? Just looking or staring at something with the hope of getting just enough to survive. Pretty tough that one. I would rather work than hope to get money while wasting my life away. On the other hand, beggars in KL earn around rm 3000-6000 on an average. That's much higher that the starting pay of an executive! Should I beg...?
Oh yea, looking at the flower shop, it has a chinese name with a chinese boss, but with lots of indian workers. Must be because they're cheaper to hire. Wonder how they're to converse to the customers though. Perhaps they go, 'A thousand apologies maam, but you want some flowers?' Hehe, I'm no racist though.
Thus, that's it about Petaling Street. A road with lots to see, lots to hear and perhaps, lots to buy too. Oh yea, lots to eat too! It amazes me to see them work so hard for a meagre amount of money, but then, that's the difference in what education can bring to you. Time to graduate!
p/s: Need to get a watch. Perhaps one of those loleks? hehe
Sunday, May 15, 2005
The computer game analogy
Been playing some games recently to fill up my time, other than just sitting there idle and thinking too much about stuff and all. Books are fine, good actually, but too much reading tends to build up boredom too. Same goes to jamming around with the guitar or hanging out in the shopping malls. Guess dat everything should be done in moderation, and I'm dissapointed that I'm not working during this short break.
But games have it's upsides too. During dinner with mom in ss2, I thought what would happen if our lives are like games. Hackable, reloadable and saveable? Perhaps, we can throw in some cheat modes and some trainers. Sometimes, I do wish I could turn back the hands of time, and do things a whole lot differently for that matter. Perhaps it's all about regrets, about seeing life pass me by as I try to seize on to it. I'm living too much in the past, no?
And then, yet again, what if we've everything we want in life, given to us a just a mere thought of it? Like God's a Santa Claus and we've unlimited wishes? Doesn't that just happen in fairy tales? And what if God really gives us our every wish and wants? Would our lives be useful to God? Imagine being born with a silver spoon in your mouth, not having to work or worry, but to play all day. Wouldn't the fun take it's toll and be boring after awhile? I guess I'm just asking too many questions here I can't answer.
I dunno, but one theme God's been telling me now is to trust Him. The devotionals I use, the passage of scripture in Acts that I've been doing continuously for the last few weeks, even the lunch I had with Hock after such a long time of not meeting up. Everything seems to be pointing in that direction. Trust, have faith that God knows best and believe He'll bring it to pass.
And as I write this, I feel vulnerable, lost and with a decision to make. Do I want to trust God, love God and do my best for His kingdom? At times I'm tempted not to go church anymore. Something keeps bugging me that the outside world's much more exciting with friendlier people to boot.
Heck, I can't believe at times I'm more interested to join the local Rotaract with Wei Hoong, an old friend from my secondary school, rather than running CrossRoadz, the youth and young adults I've helped set up. Am I the only one to think that we church people are sometimes too fake? With a mask and a smile on Sundays and after that, we go back to out lives?
I guess I'm longing for a genuine community instead of superficial ones. Those that talk surface level stuffs everytime they meet. But perhaps the community is halfway there, just a bit more to the way God wants it, I dunno. And would Rotaract clubs actually fulfil the need of friends in me? It's so hard when I think of all that.
Trust and faith. I guess we can only learn to grow in times of adversity. God did not leave the people comfortable in their homes in the times of Acts. Adversity drove them to further places, and as it did, it strengthened their faith and also helped push the Gospel to the outer boundaries of Europe. In comparison, many church members in nicely developed countries are Christians by name only. Perhaps the comfort they have made them lose focus on God?
Pray. Been on my knees these days as I don't quite grasp the magnitude or the things I'm going through. At times I feel like acting out in anger or frustration, but I know God has a better plan, a better way for us all.
Guess that's it. A long winded post. Till next time then.
But games have it's upsides too. During dinner with mom in ss2, I thought what would happen if our lives are like games. Hackable, reloadable and saveable? Perhaps, we can throw in some cheat modes and some trainers. Sometimes, I do wish I could turn back the hands of time, and do things a whole lot differently for that matter. Perhaps it's all about regrets, about seeing life pass me by as I try to seize on to it. I'm living too much in the past, no?
And then, yet again, what if we've everything we want in life, given to us a just a mere thought of it? Like God's a Santa Claus and we've unlimited wishes? Doesn't that just happen in fairy tales? And what if God really gives us our every wish and wants? Would our lives be useful to God? Imagine being born with a silver spoon in your mouth, not having to work or worry, but to play all day. Wouldn't the fun take it's toll and be boring after awhile? I guess I'm just asking too many questions here I can't answer.
I dunno, but one theme God's been telling me now is to trust Him. The devotionals I use, the passage of scripture in Acts that I've been doing continuously for the last few weeks, even the lunch I had with Hock after such a long time of not meeting up. Everything seems to be pointing in that direction. Trust, have faith that God knows best and believe He'll bring it to pass.
And as I write this, I feel vulnerable, lost and with a decision to make. Do I want to trust God, love God and do my best for His kingdom? At times I'm tempted not to go church anymore. Something keeps bugging me that the outside world's much more exciting with friendlier people to boot.
Heck, I can't believe at times I'm more interested to join the local Rotaract with Wei Hoong, an old friend from my secondary school, rather than running CrossRoadz, the youth and young adults I've helped set up. Am I the only one to think that we church people are sometimes too fake? With a mask and a smile on Sundays and after that, we go back to out lives?
I guess I'm longing for a genuine community instead of superficial ones. Those that talk surface level stuffs everytime they meet. But perhaps the community is halfway there, just a bit more to the way God wants it, I dunno. And would Rotaract clubs actually fulfil the need of friends in me? It's so hard when I think of all that.
Trust and faith. I guess we can only learn to grow in times of adversity. God did not leave the people comfortable in their homes in the times of Acts. Adversity drove them to further places, and as it did, it strengthened their faith and also helped push the Gospel to the outer boundaries of Europe. In comparison, many church members in nicely developed countries are Christians by name only. Perhaps the comfort they have made them lose focus on God?
Pray. Been on my knees these days as I don't quite grasp the magnitude or the things I'm going through. At times I feel like acting out in anger or frustration, but I know God has a better plan, a better way for us all.
Guess that's it. A long winded post. Till next time then.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Oriental cooking
Bought mom an Asian delight cookbook for Mother's Day - featuring cooking styles from all across Asia, including Cambodia, Indonesia, Singapore, Myanmmar and even Malaysia! Hmm, guess I've just gotta wait for some good food the next few days, hehe
Other than dat, took a look around MPH for some Chinese cookbooks and also to check out the novels available. Chinese cookbooks are expensive! Good, non-Malaysian, Chinese cookbooks can go up to rm 100 plus. And they come with Shanghainese, Taiwanese and several other styles.
Undecided, I tried checking it out online. There are a few good sites, like cooking.com, chinesefood.about.com and a few others, though their version of egg tarts is much flatter than what we have here. This made me wonder if there are variations in food there. Perhaps we can only find Char Kueh Teow and Bak Kut Teh in Malaysia? (dunno about wan tan min though. Wan tan should be an international cuisine, I'm pretty much sure)
Oh ya, about the novels. Saw some novels I wanted to get off the Times book sales that recently concluded. Prices were around rm 32-35 each compared to rm 8 at the book sales. Dunno if I should be happier or sad that I've got so many, but yet not all. Must be the kiasu syndrome in me, heh. But, book reading is good. If you want to start somewhere, try 'To Kill a Mockingbird' or for science fiction, one of Isaac Asimov's. Those are guranteed. Amy Tan's a good start on family life.
Till next time, I've gotta get some food for my growling stomach! Tata!
Other than dat, took a look around MPH for some Chinese cookbooks and also to check out the novels available. Chinese cookbooks are expensive! Good, non-Malaysian, Chinese cookbooks can go up to rm 100 plus. And they come with Shanghainese, Taiwanese and several other styles.
Undecided, I tried checking it out online. There are a few good sites, like cooking.com, chinesefood.about.com and a few others, though their version of egg tarts is much flatter than what we have here. This made me wonder if there are variations in food there. Perhaps we can only find Char Kueh Teow and Bak Kut Teh in Malaysia? (dunno about wan tan min though. Wan tan should be an international cuisine, I'm pretty much sure)
Oh ya, about the novels. Saw some novels I wanted to get off the Times book sales that recently concluded. Prices were around rm 32-35 each compared to rm 8 at the book sales. Dunno if I should be happier or sad that I've got so many, but yet not all. Must be the kiasu syndrome in me, heh. But, book reading is good. If you want to start somewhere, try 'To Kill a Mockingbird' or for science fiction, one of Isaac Asimov's. Those are guranteed. Amy Tan's a good start on family life.
Till next time, I've gotta get some food for my growling stomach! Tata!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
The budding writer
I want to write. No, not write as in blog, but write as in write some novel of some genre. Perhaps it would contain an element of truth about my life experiences, but mostly, I hope it would turn out to be an entertaining piece of work. Perhaps even getting listed on some kinda booker prize award? hehe, dats too much, too far to imagine just yet.
But why write? I guess I've been inspired by some of the books I've read, books such as Tietam Brown by Mick Foley, Joy Luck Club & The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan and also White Lightning by Justin Cartwright. Indeed, writing isn't hard. We just need a strong plot and also a zest to complete it.
Perhaps another reason is to exorcise my past by writing snippets of it in the story, and well, it's a good way to invest your time in. How else other than getting a job or starting a business that might not work out? Ah, don't ask me to go on a movie marathon as the most I could take is a movie every few days. And well, I'm not getting any younger. Why spend the free time on games that gives temporary satisfaction? Hmm.
--------------------------------------
I sometimes feel weak remembering about my past. My past that stares back at me like cat's eyes reflecting light in the darkness. What ifs goes through my head again and again. What if I had done things differently? What if I had carried myself with more tact and confidence? What ifs...it just tortures my mind into migraines that comes back when I start thinking back.
But yet, as I write this, I feel 2 main messages coming into my head. 'Forgive', and 'The promised land'
Forgive, heh, if only it was that easy. The past hasn't been exactly kind to me. No doubt there were nice, beautiful moments, but for every one of this, there are 2-3 painful memories. I had to sometimes seize some of the thoughts to hurt myself and bring it to Christ.
No, they aren't from God. Not this repeating painful portions of memories nor the thoughts to act out the anger that comes with it. In Christ we're all a new creation. I claim this portion of scripture and a few others when pain strikes suddenly, stealthily and at my weakest moments.
I wished it was easier to forgive. But it's not so, especially when I can't run away from the people that muttered words that cut deeper than a knife, though perhaps innocently. Forgiveness comes with a cost. And I wished it wasn't that much.
I broke down a couple of times in the washroom in a love-hate relationship with someone. God, how I love to hate the person and stay away for good. But yet, I can't. God seems to ask me to love when hating is so much easier. What's love after all? Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Again, I decide to love, no matter how much it hurts me to do so. It might not have been the conventional type of romantic love, but it's still love. Agape love.
The promised land. I always dreamt of having many close, good friends. But yet, perhaps its because I try too hard, most friendships don't work out. God, where's my promised land in all these?
But yet, God knows and God leads. Trust in the Lord and not lean on your own understanding the bible says. Trust? When everything seems so bleak? I'm 26 this year, jobless and went through an inferno of broken relationships. How much can I trust this God that I've been wanting to trust since I recommited my life to Christ at 18?
But yet, I do feel I'm in a much better situation than I was a year back. Heck, look two years back and you'll have met an 24 year old buffoon that hid his pain behind the noisy CS-playing cyber cafes that mushroomed in this land of Petaling Jaya due to demand, and perhaps in a smaller scale, to people that were trying to hide away from what they needed to face, like me. CS presented a way to hide from the realities of this world in the 3D world where hand and eye precision and skill makes you something of a demigod to the other gamers.
The promised land. It might not be too far off actually. Perhaps around the corner? I dunno. All I know is I've gotta keep holding on to God's hand, like a kid to his Dad in a crowded shopping mall. I don't wanna get lost anymore, not at 26. Especially not at 26.
God, help me God, this isn't easy for me.
But why write? I guess I've been inspired by some of the books I've read, books such as Tietam Brown by Mick Foley, Joy Luck Club & The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan and also White Lightning by Justin Cartwright. Indeed, writing isn't hard. We just need a strong plot and also a zest to complete it.
Perhaps another reason is to exorcise my past by writing snippets of it in the story, and well, it's a good way to invest your time in. How else other than getting a job or starting a business that might not work out? Ah, don't ask me to go on a movie marathon as the most I could take is a movie every few days. And well, I'm not getting any younger. Why spend the free time on games that gives temporary satisfaction? Hmm.
--------------------------------------
I sometimes feel weak remembering about my past. My past that stares back at me like cat's eyes reflecting light in the darkness. What ifs goes through my head again and again. What if I had done things differently? What if I had carried myself with more tact and confidence? What ifs...it just tortures my mind into migraines that comes back when I start thinking back.
But yet, as I write this, I feel 2 main messages coming into my head. 'Forgive', and 'The promised land'
Forgive, heh, if only it was that easy. The past hasn't been exactly kind to me. No doubt there were nice, beautiful moments, but for every one of this, there are 2-3 painful memories. I had to sometimes seize some of the thoughts to hurt myself and bring it to Christ.
No, they aren't from God. Not this repeating painful portions of memories nor the thoughts to act out the anger that comes with it. In Christ we're all a new creation. I claim this portion of scripture and a few others when pain strikes suddenly, stealthily and at my weakest moments.
I wished it was easier to forgive. But it's not so, especially when I can't run away from the people that muttered words that cut deeper than a knife, though perhaps innocently. Forgiveness comes with a cost. And I wished it wasn't that much.
I broke down a couple of times in the washroom in a love-hate relationship with someone. God, how I love to hate the person and stay away for good. But yet, I can't. God seems to ask me to love when hating is so much easier. What's love after all? Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Again, I decide to love, no matter how much it hurts me to do so. It might not have been the conventional type of romantic love, but it's still love. Agape love.
The promised land. I always dreamt of having many close, good friends. But yet, perhaps its because I try too hard, most friendships don't work out. God, where's my promised land in all these?
But yet, God knows and God leads. Trust in the Lord and not lean on your own understanding the bible says. Trust? When everything seems so bleak? I'm 26 this year, jobless and went through an inferno of broken relationships. How much can I trust this God that I've been wanting to trust since I recommited my life to Christ at 18?
But yet, I do feel I'm in a much better situation than I was a year back. Heck, look two years back and you'll have met an 24 year old buffoon that hid his pain behind the noisy CS-playing cyber cafes that mushroomed in this land of Petaling Jaya due to demand, and perhaps in a smaller scale, to people that were trying to hide away from what they needed to face, like me. CS presented a way to hide from the realities of this world in the 3D world where hand and eye precision and skill makes you something of a demigod to the other gamers.
The promised land. It might not be too far off actually. Perhaps around the corner? I dunno. All I know is I've gotta keep holding on to God's hand, like a kid to his Dad in a crowded shopping mall. I don't wanna get lost anymore, not at 26. Especially not at 26.
God, help me God, this isn't easy for me.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Macho-ness
Was going through Sarah's blog, when I commented on macho-ness. And suddenly, I've a topic! Hmm, do men cry? I guess that's a question I'm currently curious about. What would you do if your heart breaks in two? React? Cry? or act macho? I guess for me, I've been going through some breaking points in my life and at times I react, at times I act macho and very seldom do I shed tears, especially in front of the ladies.
And as I grow (old, you might add, heh), I learn dat reacting is the worst you can do. Especially if you're hurt and down, you can only spill out words or actions dat you might regret later. Knowing this, I sometimes run away from situations I need to face head on, as running away doesn't require you to learn to handle dat. Nope, no reaction, acts of machoness or even tears.
I guess the hardest to do when you're hurting is to act macho and happy and all, smiling and laughing even though you've been shattered. True, acting macho might get you through the day, and nobody knows what you're feeling. But, acting macho also does involves a facade, and nope, it's not an easy one. The worst thing is, you know you aren't happy inside. Hmm...
So, this brings us to crying. Hah! Guess this is my new formula now :p Well, guess if I need to, I'll excuse myself to the washroom, tear my broken heart out to God, cry all I need (for exactly 5 minutes! tough one dat), and then come back acting macho.
Now, any better solutions?
And as I grow (old, you might add, heh), I learn dat reacting is the worst you can do. Especially if you're hurt and down, you can only spill out words or actions dat you might regret later. Knowing this, I sometimes run away from situations I need to face head on, as running away doesn't require you to learn to handle dat. Nope, no reaction, acts of machoness or even tears.
I guess the hardest to do when you're hurting is to act macho and happy and all, smiling and laughing even though you've been shattered. True, acting macho might get you through the day, and nobody knows what you're feeling. But, acting macho also does involves a facade, and nope, it's not an easy one. The worst thing is, you know you aren't happy inside. Hmm...
So, this brings us to crying. Hah! Guess this is my new formula now :p Well, guess if I need to, I'll excuse myself to the washroom, tear my broken heart out to God, cry all I need (for exactly 5 minutes! tough one dat), and then come back acting macho.
Now, any better solutions?
The Kitchen God's Wife
Hehe, just got this from someone. The first 2 chapters had been interesting. Let's hope the rest are too! :)
Saturday, May 07, 2005
The Sociologist
Been away from blogging or much online activities recently. Guess that being away from Cyberjaya, I do have some distractions to keep me occupied, not to forget lots of old friends to catch up with. Hehe, throw in visiting some shopping malls and reading (yep, I discovered back my love for reading, heh) and I am sorta fully occupied.
I did mention here before that I like sitting in places to observe people. Nope, not as in who's the leng lui walking pass, but well, people in general. How they interact and react to each other, how and what's the social norms for different types of people. Heck, even how do families function. It's all really interesting, really, to sit somewhere and just observe (and not stare like your eyeball's gonna pop up, duh), and well, you'll learn too.
Talking about that, I bought a whole stack of books from the Times bookstore sale. I think around 36 novels at a price of rm 8 each. Most are about life, about how people handle adversities and all, and just 4 criminal/suspense novels and 2 in the SF category (SF = Science Fiction).
This has indeed been a big change compared to the time that the only books I bought were out of Salvation bookstore. Not to say I started that way (was a voracious novel reader from young. Hehe, devoured all the books in the library nearby plus the collection of books my dad has), but somehow, I went through a period of time where I was told I needed to be more Holy so that I could get along with the church ppl. Looking back, it was all crap, weak excuses from some jokers.
Hmm, so what so great about books that talk about life? No, I don't mean Confucious or some philosopher for that matter. Nope, not even Sigmund Freud. But most of the books do make you examine your life as you read about the life of the protagonist, about how they strive to overcome pain, loss and come out fine (erm, not all the time). There are happy, funny moments too, moments you wish you had gone through too.
But all in all, the examination of life, our goals, dreams and vision and how do we get along with people, all are important elements in growing up. I guess, if I hadn't done engineering, I most probably would have done psychology or sociology to learn more about the fabric of society, of how it works.
Oh yea, what triggered the reading frenzy? Hmm, it was Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan, a book I had wanted to read but yet could not find time. And when I was done, I wished it was longer. And thus, when I chose books, I tried finding those with similar themes, those that makes you laugh and yet cry, those of hope, pain and love. Interesting, really, the examination of life.
Till next time,
God Bless
I did mention here before that I like sitting in places to observe people. Nope, not as in who's the leng lui walking pass, but well, people in general. How they interact and react to each other, how and what's the social norms for different types of people. Heck, even how do families function. It's all really interesting, really, to sit somewhere and just observe (and not stare like your eyeball's gonna pop up, duh), and well, you'll learn too.
Talking about that, I bought a whole stack of books from the Times bookstore sale. I think around 36 novels at a price of rm 8 each. Most are about life, about how people handle adversities and all, and just 4 criminal/suspense novels and 2 in the SF category (SF = Science Fiction).
This has indeed been a big change compared to the time that the only books I bought were out of Salvation bookstore. Not to say I started that way (was a voracious novel reader from young. Hehe, devoured all the books in the library nearby plus the collection of books my dad has), but somehow, I went through a period of time where I was told I needed to be more Holy so that I could get along with the church ppl. Looking back, it was all crap, weak excuses from some jokers.
Hmm, so what so great about books that talk about life? No, I don't mean Confucious or some philosopher for that matter. Nope, not even Sigmund Freud. But most of the books do make you examine your life as you read about the life of the protagonist, about how they strive to overcome pain, loss and come out fine (erm, not all the time). There are happy, funny moments too, moments you wish you had gone through too.
But all in all, the examination of life, our goals, dreams and vision and how do we get along with people, all are important elements in growing up. I guess, if I hadn't done engineering, I most probably would have done psychology or sociology to learn more about the fabric of society, of how it works.
Oh yea, what triggered the reading frenzy? Hmm, it was Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan, a book I had wanted to read but yet could not find time. And when I was done, I wished it was longer. And thus, when I chose books, I tried finding those with similar themes, those that makes you laugh and yet cry, those of hope, pain and love. Interesting, really, the examination of life.
Till next time,
God Bless
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)