One thing that I've constantly been struggling with, is the issue of giving up my rights to my life. Instead, God's been telling me to let Him use me as a vessel. But at times, it's hard cause I do want to do my own things.
Sometimes, I ask God whether would I do ministry alone or with a wife, a partner that could help ease the burden and share the joy of doing God's work. My biggest fear is to have to do God's work alone, as a one man show. The fear of coming back home to an empty home. Yea, I know, God will lead, but at times like this, it's a real hard struggle.
Next semester, I would have only 1 subject to take. Thus, I'll try to find a part time job and also enrol for night classes at either Bible College Malaysia (BCM) or Theological Center of Asia (TCA). But, I do ask God, 'Am I ready for ministry?' and keep telling God, 'I'm lacking people skills~!' And how about a wife God? Heh. And to think of it, I'm still studying! *Why am I thinking about all these?*
God has really been working in me these days. The issue of letting go of my rights, but instead, being a blessing to others, have me seeing some relationships get better. Guess, that when we bless others instead of our wants and needs, it'll help the friendships.
Anyway, the thing that God's been placing in my heart is the issue of putting my future on the altar. Just like Jacob, when he put the young Isaac on the altar. Let it be a wife, ministry or work; I want to put God 1st in everything. Even if nothing comes back, I'll be satisfied.
A writer once wrote about the 5 loaves and 2 fishes. She was single, available and in ministry. She mentioned that if she selfishly kept her life for her own, she would only satisfy her future husband and herself. But if she let God break her and use her as the 5 loaves and 2 fishes, God'll use her to feed and meet the needs of the multitude
God, use me~!
God bless~
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