I want to write. No, not write as in blog, but write as in write some novel of some genre. Perhaps it would contain an element of truth about my life experiences, but mostly, I hope it would turn out to be an entertaining piece of work. Perhaps even getting listed on some kinda booker prize award? hehe, dats too much, too far to imagine just yet.
But why write? I guess I've been inspired by some of the books I've read, books such as Tietam Brown by Mick Foley, Joy Luck Club & The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan and also White Lightning by Justin Cartwright. Indeed, writing isn't hard. We just need a strong plot and also a zest to complete it.
Perhaps another reason is to exorcise my past by writing snippets of it in the story, and well, it's a good way to invest your time in. How else other than getting a job or starting a business that might not work out? Ah, don't ask me to go on a movie marathon as the most I could take is a movie every few days. And well, I'm not getting any younger. Why spend the free time on games that gives temporary satisfaction? Hmm.
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I sometimes feel weak remembering about my past. My past that stares back at me like cat's eyes reflecting light in the darkness. What ifs goes through my head again and again. What if I had done things differently? What if I had carried myself with more tact and confidence? What ifs...it just tortures my mind into migraines that comes back when I start thinking back.
But yet, as I write this, I feel 2 main messages coming into my head. 'Forgive', and 'The promised land'
Forgive, heh, if only it was that easy. The past hasn't been exactly kind to me. No doubt there were nice, beautiful moments, but for every one of this, there are 2-3 painful memories. I had to sometimes seize some of the thoughts to hurt myself and bring it to Christ.
No, they aren't from God. Not this repeating painful portions of memories nor the thoughts to act out the anger that comes with it. In Christ we're all a new creation. I claim this portion of scripture and a few others when pain strikes suddenly, stealthily and at my weakest moments.
I wished it was easier to forgive. But it's not so, especially when I can't run away from the people that muttered words that cut deeper than a knife, though perhaps innocently. Forgiveness comes with a cost. And I wished it wasn't that much.
I broke down a couple of times in the washroom in a love-hate relationship with someone. God, how I love to hate the person and stay away for good. But yet, I can't. God seems to ask me to love when hating is so much easier. What's love after all? Love suffers long and is kind, love does not envy, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Again, I decide to love, no matter how much it hurts me to do so. It might not have been the conventional type of romantic love, but it's still love. Agape love.
The promised land. I always dreamt of having many close, good friends. But yet, perhaps its because I try too hard, most friendships don't work out. God, where's my promised land in all these?
But yet, God knows and God leads. Trust in the Lord and not lean on your own understanding the bible says. Trust? When everything seems so bleak? I'm 26 this year, jobless and went through an inferno of broken relationships. How much can I trust this God that I've been wanting to trust since I recommited my life to Christ at 18?
But yet, I do feel I'm in a much better situation than I was a year back. Heck, look two years back and you'll have met an 24 year old buffoon that hid his pain behind the noisy CS-playing cyber cafes that mushroomed in this land of Petaling Jaya due to demand, and perhaps in a smaller scale, to people that were trying to hide away from what they needed to face, like me. CS presented a way to hide from the realities of this world in the 3D world where hand and eye precision and skill makes you something of a demigod to the other gamers.
The promised land. It might not be too far off actually. Perhaps around the corner? I dunno. All I know is I've gotta keep holding on to God's hand, like a kid to his Dad in a crowded shopping mall. I don't wanna get lost anymore, not at 26. Especially not at 26.
God, help me God, this isn't easy for me.
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